Hey, this post is only about a month after the last one! I'm getting better!
But, lately things haven't been 'going as planned'. I am sort of coming to hate planning things, because they very rarely seem to turn out how I want them to. But NAU has gone worse than I had anticipated. Between issues between my former roommate and I, struggles to build strong friendships during all of this change, craziness with work, and trying to find a solid church community through it all, I have had some pretty big doubts that are rocking the boat on 'my plan'.
So, when we need to find a new plan, where do we go? Friends, of course! Coming home for Spring Break was one of the best decisions for me right now, and it really has been refreshing to be able to spend time back in the fellowship that was (and is) so rich at home. The two best friends and I hung out late on Saturday, and it was one of the best, most vulnerable conversations I've had in a long time. They called me out on the things that I needed to work on, and helped me through the issues I've been facing.
Okay, so I feel like I'm building to some big thing and that I should just say it already. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I really don't know what this change looks like yet. It's a bummer, because I would really like to know for my own planning purposes (there I go again). But I don't. I have no idea right now what this summer or next semester will look like. I had previously decided that I would be spending the summer up in Flagstaff, get an apartment in May, and spend the next year rooming with Jessica. I have been offered so many different opportunities with InterVarsity at NAU. I have been weighing being a small group leader next year and/or serving on service team. I want desperately to do both, which simply cannot be done in conjunction, but really cannot be done at all if I am no longer in Flagstaff. I have been looking forward to taking up leadership for the past few months, and yet it seems that all of those ideas are colliding and falling apart.
I have been considering coming home altogether. I don't know if that means home-home (as in my parents' house) or finding an apartment here. And what school would I go to? ASU? They do have a Non-Profits program, which was originally what I really wanted to be doing. But ASU? God, I really don't know about this one right now.
Struggles. Planning. Gah.
Brennan Manning inspired me today with his words about our patterns as the American church:
"Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace."
He's definitely on to something. I don't know what God's plans are for my future, but right now, I need to be in waiting for what he has in store. As much as I try to plan it out myself, and work for some future that I don't even understand yet, I need to be still. I need to listen to his soft voice and pray that he gives me the strength to obey
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
So, life lately has been a little crazy. It's funny because, while part of me thinks that nothing new has really happened, I know that so much is in the process of changing, too. So, last time I posted, I've since realized, was nearly four months ago. Which really is quite a long time. I'll definitely be working on that. But, it's been a time of so many emotions and so much change. I feel like, because so few people actually know about this blog, that I can be more vulnerable than I might be on Facebook.
Since October, I have had some very interesting periods of life. On a less serious side, I started watching Dexter, realized how horrible I am at baking at high altitudes, and read about one tenth of four different books. Great, what a way to start off this whole new season.
But other things have changed, too. Work is a bit different lately. I feel like I have gotten closer to both my manager and assistant manager, which I think is a good thing. It's been pretty fascinating to talk to each of them lately and just start to get their opinions on where they fall with this whole Jesus business. I think they both know that I've been in love with him for a while, so they feel a little more reserved, but I feel like they're really starting to open up to me and I'm beginning to view work as more of a missions field than I ever had before.
My manager, who is a pronounced lesbian, has actually started being interested in what I'm saying about a lack of judgment and an increase in love that really does need to be happening in the church today, which for sure begins with me. She has started telling me about her past and what it was like to grow up as a homosexual in a Catholic Italian home. She expresses to me the judgment she feels from her whole family, and it has really been a blessing to be able to pray for the things she is going through, and may continue to live in for the rest of her life. But if I can show her, by no means through my power, that those who follow Christ are just as much works in progress as the rest of the world, I feel that I have made my part in her life in some small way.
Suffice it to say that work has been less of a dreaded event for me lately, which is just another blessing. Because I'm working five days per week, I was beginning to be very concerned for how this was going to work out. Before a few weeks ago, I felt like calling in sick to almost every shift I was scheduled for. This Michaels, unlike the last one I worked at, is far less united and far more prone to laziness and backstabbing. It was something I began to witness immediately when I got up here and I wasn't really sure what to do with that. Somehow, some of them seemed united with each other, but it certainly felt like no one was willing to be open to the newer people who were being brought in. But it seems that I have found my niche there, not that I've felt more belonging, but simply that I feel more useful. Its been a blessing that points to my relentless God and how he shows me time after time that his plan is far better than mine could ever be.
On a lower note, remember when I was talking all about the shelter and everything that was happening there and how I felt so blessed to be able to spend time there and see God move in a powerful way and utilize me and let me witness it all at the same time? (sorry, run-on) Well, unfortunately, this has not been a part of my schedule and seems to be something that may not be for this semester. Not definitive yet, however that is the sense I'm getting on it right now. Which makes me really frustrated. God, of course, has a plan way bigger than me (wasn't I just talking about this?), but I feel like this keeps happening to me. It seems to be some sort of cycle where I finally find somewhere that seems like a perfect fit. It includes what I'm passionate about, pushes me beyond my level of comfort but makes me excited to do so, and feels like a glimpse into what I want to to.
And then that's it. I get a glimpse. I get this short period of time where I think that things are finally beginning to be different. When I finally feel like I found where I belong in some sense. And then it no longer works. Either schedule-wise it doesn't fit, or I stop experiencing and thinking that it's as good as I think, or something changes that makes everything off and I no longer am able to experience this thing to the level of where it was before. Which is when this really feels awful. Jesus, show me how to escape from this cycle, because it's more than likely something of my own doing. Show me what to change and give me the strength to make those changes.
Another portion of updates. Ready? Well, my roommate moved out three days ago and God has given me a sense of peace about it all. I have no idea why this is because it feels like I should be bothered by the tension and lack of relationship it has really caused. But I'm somehow getting past that. I feel like a weight of people pleasing has been lifted from me that has been sitting for about five months now. I would like to take a large portion of the responsibility for everything that happened because I was in the wrong in the ways I handled myself. I wasn't around much at all and that put a serious strain on our relationship, which did eventually drive this move. What scares me about this peace, though, is that I don't want to fall into complacency and thinking that it's acceptable to brush this relationship off as something that happened in the past and not something I have to deal with anymore. I think I may be nearing the point of leaving the ball in her court in terms of how much time we spend together, but I know that I need to keep my heart in check of what my motivations are and my own level of bitterness towards her. I felt that some of the things she posted were hurtful and the way certain situations were handled were hurtful, but even if she never knows it, I have to be sure to forgive her in my heart so as to avoid creating a monster of myself.
Stemming from that, some of my other relationships have been strained (or maybe only in my mind have been strained) because of the split and clash of my roommate and I. I really feel sometimes that our group of friends is split into those who side with her and those who side with me. And because of that, I begin to make this into some sort of competition. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells as I try to navigate whose approval I have, and who I have yet to win over. It really isn't a healthy way to look at any of this, but it is what has been plaguing me lately.
Because of all of this drama and difficulties with friends and feeling lonely, I've had a couple pretty rough patches this winter. I suppose you could call it mild depression plus a splash of disbelief, and hold the hope. I don't really know why this was such a hard time for me, but it really became an issue. I didn't know who to talk to or why I was experiencing this. In my mind, I should be stronger than to have had the thoughts I was having and I beat myself up more, which surely didn't help. I learned a lot about myself and my own issues and, to be honest, I am still going through this a little bit. So be praying for that for me.
And then there's the future. I am trying so hard to understand what it is that He wants me to do. I'm trying to understand what the plan is for missions and me. I feel like lately I've gotten 'no' as my answer every time I hear of some missions trip that seems like such a neat opportunity. I don't know why he's saying no because it would be a good thing and something that could be really beneficial. But, nonetheless, His answer persists. So, it's looking like I will be in Flagstaff for the summer. That isn't for sure yet, but it seems like that is what is working out best. I'm looking at some apartments that will work for my needs and I'm hoping to keep the lease through until next May. But we'll see what happens there. There's just so much in terms of what to do and how to go about making these decisions that all seem to be flying at me.
My Daddy said something to me a little while ago that really made a lot of sense: when you don't know what God wants, you have to take a step in some direction and just pray, God, I want to do your will. But I don't know what that is. So, I'm going to take a step this way and if it's wrong, make it very clear. Make it so that I am very aware that this isn't the path I should be taking. I'm so thankful for his insight. My parents have been so helpful in giving me the support I need lately. I've made so many mistakes and haven't trusted them like I should, and I'm very regretful of that. I know that, if anyone, they have my back and want to see me do well. They, if anyone, are the ones who will be there for me when every other person is gone. My Daddy reminded me of something he used to say to me all the time when I was little. He said "My number one job is to take care of you." I couldn't help but cry as he said those words that I've heard from him a thousand times.
My Daddy is the person I've known the longest. He's the one who has carried me through ups and downs and we're going to go through so much together in the future. He knows me so well, and understands the way I think, which is a huge blessing. I'm hopeful that my way of thinking towards my parents will change for the better, so that I may utilize their insight and learn from their mistakes.
All of this is just code for life. There are ups and downs. Ins and outs. And overall, we come out better people. Life feels hard sometimes, and gets a little easier during others. Just waiting to see what's coming up!
Since October, I have had some very interesting periods of life. On a less serious side, I started watching Dexter, realized how horrible I am at baking at high altitudes, and read about one tenth of four different books. Great, what a way to start off this whole new season.
But other things have changed, too. Work is a bit different lately. I feel like I have gotten closer to both my manager and assistant manager, which I think is a good thing. It's been pretty fascinating to talk to each of them lately and just start to get their opinions on where they fall with this whole Jesus business. I think they both know that I've been in love with him for a while, so they feel a little more reserved, but I feel like they're really starting to open up to me and I'm beginning to view work as more of a missions field than I ever had before.
My manager, who is a pronounced lesbian, has actually started being interested in what I'm saying about a lack of judgment and an increase in love that really does need to be happening in the church today, which for sure begins with me. She has started telling me about her past and what it was like to grow up as a homosexual in a Catholic Italian home. She expresses to me the judgment she feels from her whole family, and it has really been a blessing to be able to pray for the things she is going through, and may continue to live in for the rest of her life. But if I can show her, by no means through my power, that those who follow Christ are just as much works in progress as the rest of the world, I feel that I have made my part in her life in some small way.
Suffice it to say that work has been less of a dreaded event for me lately, which is just another blessing. Because I'm working five days per week, I was beginning to be very concerned for how this was going to work out. Before a few weeks ago, I felt like calling in sick to almost every shift I was scheduled for. This Michaels, unlike the last one I worked at, is far less united and far more prone to laziness and backstabbing. It was something I began to witness immediately when I got up here and I wasn't really sure what to do with that. Somehow, some of them seemed united with each other, but it certainly felt like no one was willing to be open to the newer people who were being brought in. But it seems that I have found my niche there, not that I've felt more belonging, but simply that I feel more useful. Its been a blessing that points to my relentless God and how he shows me time after time that his plan is far better than mine could ever be.
On a lower note, remember when I was talking all about the shelter and everything that was happening there and how I felt so blessed to be able to spend time there and see God move in a powerful way and utilize me and let me witness it all at the same time? (sorry, run-on) Well, unfortunately, this has not been a part of my schedule and seems to be something that may not be for this semester. Not definitive yet, however that is the sense I'm getting on it right now. Which makes me really frustrated. God, of course, has a plan way bigger than me (wasn't I just talking about this?), but I feel like this keeps happening to me. It seems to be some sort of cycle where I finally find somewhere that seems like a perfect fit. It includes what I'm passionate about, pushes me beyond my level of comfort but makes me excited to do so, and feels like a glimpse into what I want to to.
And then that's it. I get a glimpse. I get this short period of time where I think that things are finally beginning to be different. When I finally feel like I found where I belong in some sense. And then it no longer works. Either schedule-wise it doesn't fit, or I stop experiencing and thinking that it's as good as I think, or something changes that makes everything off and I no longer am able to experience this thing to the level of where it was before. Which is when this really feels awful. Jesus, show me how to escape from this cycle, because it's more than likely something of my own doing. Show me what to change and give me the strength to make those changes.
Another portion of updates. Ready? Well, my roommate moved out three days ago and God has given me a sense of peace about it all. I have no idea why this is because it feels like I should be bothered by the tension and lack of relationship it has really caused. But I'm somehow getting past that. I feel like a weight of people pleasing has been lifted from me that has been sitting for about five months now. I would like to take a large portion of the responsibility for everything that happened because I was in the wrong in the ways I handled myself. I wasn't around much at all and that put a serious strain on our relationship, which did eventually drive this move. What scares me about this peace, though, is that I don't want to fall into complacency and thinking that it's acceptable to brush this relationship off as something that happened in the past and not something I have to deal with anymore. I think I may be nearing the point of leaving the ball in her court in terms of how much time we spend together, but I know that I need to keep my heart in check of what my motivations are and my own level of bitterness towards her. I felt that some of the things she posted were hurtful and the way certain situations were handled were hurtful, but even if she never knows it, I have to be sure to forgive her in my heart so as to avoid creating a monster of myself.
Stemming from that, some of my other relationships have been strained (or maybe only in my mind have been strained) because of the split and clash of my roommate and I. I really feel sometimes that our group of friends is split into those who side with her and those who side with me. And because of that, I begin to make this into some sort of competition. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells as I try to navigate whose approval I have, and who I have yet to win over. It really isn't a healthy way to look at any of this, but it is what has been plaguing me lately.
Because of all of this drama and difficulties with friends and feeling lonely, I've had a couple pretty rough patches this winter. I suppose you could call it mild depression plus a splash of disbelief, and hold the hope. I don't really know why this was such a hard time for me, but it really became an issue. I didn't know who to talk to or why I was experiencing this. In my mind, I should be stronger than to have had the thoughts I was having and I beat myself up more, which surely didn't help. I learned a lot about myself and my own issues and, to be honest, I am still going through this a little bit. So be praying for that for me.
And then there's the future. I am trying so hard to understand what it is that He wants me to do. I'm trying to understand what the plan is for missions and me. I feel like lately I've gotten 'no' as my answer every time I hear of some missions trip that seems like such a neat opportunity. I don't know why he's saying no because it would be a good thing and something that could be really beneficial. But, nonetheless, His answer persists. So, it's looking like I will be in Flagstaff for the summer. That isn't for sure yet, but it seems like that is what is working out best. I'm looking at some apartments that will work for my needs and I'm hoping to keep the lease through until next May. But we'll see what happens there. There's just so much in terms of what to do and how to go about making these decisions that all seem to be flying at me.
My Daddy said something to me a little while ago that really made a lot of sense: when you don't know what God wants, you have to take a step in some direction and just pray, God, I want to do your will. But I don't know what that is. So, I'm going to take a step this way and if it's wrong, make it very clear. Make it so that I am very aware that this isn't the path I should be taking. I'm so thankful for his insight. My parents have been so helpful in giving me the support I need lately. I've made so many mistakes and haven't trusted them like I should, and I'm very regretful of that. I know that, if anyone, they have my back and want to see me do well. They, if anyone, are the ones who will be there for me when every other person is gone. My Daddy reminded me of something he used to say to me all the time when I was little. He said "My number one job is to take care of you." I couldn't help but cry as he said those words that I've heard from him a thousand times.
My Daddy is the person I've known the longest. He's the one who has carried me through ups and downs and we're going to go through so much together in the future. He knows me so well, and understands the way I think, which is a huge blessing. I'm hopeful that my way of thinking towards my parents will change for the better, so that I may utilize their insight and learn from their mistakes.
All of this is just code for life. There are ups and downs. Ins and outs. And overall, we come out better people. Life feels hard sometimes, and gets a little easier during others. Just waiting to see what's coming up!
 |
Monday, October 25, 2010
Chloe
One week ago today, friends and I came home from Fall Conference with InterVarsity. It was an amazing experience to say the least. But while we were there, we talked about Jonah and how his story relates to our lives. The speaker explained about how we are to obey God's calling and talk to the people who he has set out for us to witness to. He challenged us to try to pursue conversations that are more intentional because it's important that we work as Jesus' hands and feet. We talked about what this looked like and who would be our "Ninevah", as in who God was calling us to begin long-term conversations with.
We were asked to think of two people that fit this type of description and my mind went to probably thirty different people whom I knew needed Jesus and his love and peace in their lives. I told God that whoever it was that he had in mind, he should make it very obvious, because I'm a bear of little brain :) (Yes, I just made a Winnie the Pooh reference. So what.) I told him simply that whoever it was, that he should open the doors and make it very obvious for me what I should do.
In light of all of this, there was a debate the other day on the existence of God at NAU. Very interesting topic choice, in my opinion, especially on a college campus where, just two weeks ago, we had a Ke$ha/Dirt Nasty concert. But I got a ticket and had decided I would try to understand the ideas of the other side, just to have an open mind about it all. Well, on the day of the debate, I went to lunch with two friends, Hannah and Chloe. Hannah is a Christian (you've seen her picture on a previous post) but Chloe is still very unsure. Chloe brought up that she had planned on going to the debate and so we decided we would go together. I didn't really think much about the opportunity it could be when she first mentioned it, but as we were walking, we started talking about our opinions on the matter and about homosexuality and about issues in the church, etc. It was a great opening to the night.
Then the debate. I would say it went fairly well, under the circumstances. I don't think either party really did an excellent job of persuading or presenting their side in a listener-friendly/convincing way. But I don't really know what I was expecting, because it would have been silly to think they would have ever had some sort of conversion experience at somehting like this. I really felt that the speakers of both sides played this off as politicians would, simply avoiding questions and trying to dodge the points that were difficult.
But this certainly raised a lot of questions in Chloe's mind, which was awesome. As we were leaving, I asked what she had thought and she really didn't know what to say about all of it. She thought that the Christian speaker was boring and dry, as did most of the rest of the crowd, including myself. He really didn't help to change what we are already stereotyped as, which was a real bummer for me. But as Chloe and I continued to talk, she explained that she really should be open-minded about religion and things of the matter because she thought she considered herself an atheist but she wasn't really sure. She told me about how she had friends who were vegetarians and she always kinda gave them beef (heehee!) about their opinions and what they were doing. But what she realized was that she really couldn't do that if she didn't know where they were coming from. So for one month she tried to be a vegetarian this summer and now she respects them a lot more because she realized how hard it really is to do what they were doing.
So she said that she thought that religion is very similar in that way. She explained that you really can't say that you don't agree with a religion until you study it and look into it for yourself and decide that you really don't agree. And this is where things got really cool for me! She said that she really knew very little about the Bible and about Christianity and that she hoped someday someone would sit down and explain these types of things to her! If this wasn't God making things very obvious for me, then I don't know what is. So I asked if she meant it and if she would really be willing to talk. And she was really excited!! I'm so happy she was so receptive. So we decided we would meet on Friday. I bought a Bible for her (this really cool green bible because she's a super hippy-ish girl who fits in perfectly in Flagstaff and loves anything that has to do with saving the environment, etc.) and we met.
She had so many questions and was so curious and open to all of the stories and teachings and was so patient with my jumbled passion of words. We had planned to meet for an hour, because I thought that after that amount of time she would probably be ready to take a break. So we made plans to have dinner an hour afterwards with some friends. But as the time neared for our conversation to be over, we didn't even notice! I was still talking and got a text and realized that we had finished our hour and still had tons to talk about. She had even brought a notebook and was taking notes and was so excited about her bible and as we were walking to dinner, she said that she really needed to do some more reading on her own. Her initiative is just awesome to me! So we decided we would both do some reading and come back to discuss together what was meant in specific passages.
We were asked to think of two people that fit this type of description and my mind went to probably thirty different people whom I knew needed Jesus and his love and peace in their lives. I told God that whoever it was that he had in mind, he should make it very obvious, because I'm a bear of little brain :) (Yes, I just made a Winnie the Pooh reference. So what.) I told him simply that whoever it was, that he should open the doors and make it very obvious for me what I should do.
In light of all of this, there was a debate the other day on the existence of God at NAU. Very interesting topic choice, in my opinion, especially on a college campus where, just two weeks ago, we had a Ke$ha/Dirt Nasty concert. But I got a ticket and had decided I would try to understand the ideas of the other side, just to have an open mind about it all. Well, on the day of the debate, I went to lunch with two friends, Hannah and Chloe. Hannah is a Christian (you've seen her picture on a previous post) but Chloe is still very unsure. Chloe brought up that she had planned on going to the debate and so we decided we would go together. I didn't really think much about the opportunity it could be when she first mentioned it, but as we were walking, we started talking about our opinions on the matter and about homosexuality and about issues in the church, etc. It was a great opening to the night.
Then the debate. I would say it went fairly well, under the circumstances. I don't think either party really did an excellent job of persuading or presenting their side in a listener-friendly/convincing way. But I don't really know what I was expecting, because it would have been silly to think they would have ever had some sort of conversion experience at somehting like this. I really felt that the speakers of both sides played this off as politicians would, simply avoiding questions and trying to dodge the points that were difficult.
But this certainly raised a lot of questions in Chloe's mind, which was awesome. As we were leaving, I asked what she had thought and she really didn't know what to say about all of it. She thought that the Christian speaker was boring and dry, as did most of the rest of the crowd, including myself. He really didn't help to change what we are already stereotyped as, which was a real bummer for me. But as Chloe and I continued to talk, she explained that she really should be open-minded about religion and things of the matter because she thought she considered herself an atheist but she wasn't really sure. She told me about how she had friends who were vegetarians and she always kinda gave them beef (heehee!) about their opinions and what they were doing. But what she realized was that she really couldn't do that if she didn't know where they were coming from. So for one month she tried to be a vegetarian this summer and now she respects them a lot more because she realized how hard it really is to do what they were doing.
So she said that she thought that religion is very similar in that way. She explained that you really can't say that you don't agree with a religion until you study it and look into it for yourself and decide that you really don't agree. And this is where things got really cool for me! She said that she really knew very little about the Bible and about Christianity and that she hoped someday someone would sit down and explain these types of things to her! If this wasn't God making things very obvious for me, then I don't know what is. So I asked if she meant it and if she would really be willing to talk. And she was really excited!! I'm so happy she was so receptive. So we decided we would meet on Friday. I bought a Bible for her (this really cool green bible because she's a super hippy-ish girl who fits in perfectly in Flagstaff and loves anything that has to do with saving the environment, etc.) and we met.
She had so many questions and was so curious and open to all of the stories and teachings and was so patient with my jumbled passion of words. We had planned to meet for an hour, because I thought that after that amount of time she would probably be ready to take a break. So we made plans to have dinner an hour afterwards with some friends. But as the time neared for our conversation to be over, we didn't even notice! I was still talking and got a text and realized that we had finished our hour and still had tons to talk about. She had even brought a notebook and was taking notes and was so excited about her bible and as we were walking to dinner, she said that she really needed to do some more reading on her own. Her initiative is just awesome to me! So we decided we would both do some reading and come back to discuss together what was meant in specific passages.
And then she texted me today and said that she had been working through Genesis on her own. She said she was on chapter nineteen and had been taking notes so she was really curious and said that she had a lot of questions. I'm so excited to meet with her again tonight and to really dive into the scriptures, especially because now she, too, has an investment in them and knows a lot more about what they say. I'm stunned that she's so self-motivated to learn about something she really isn't sure if she believes. It kind of makes me feel guilty for not always being as passionate about pursuing God through his word more consistently. I guess he's using Chloe and I to teach each other different lessons.
On a small side note, I think I've learned yet another lesson about judgment and a huge part of the problems of passing it on non-christians. We, as christians, seem to think that in the US, just about everyone has heard about Jesus and his message and just refuses to accept that and believe in him. But I'd like to say that that idea is very wrong. Chloe asked me questions like, "Well, if Jesus died, why do you still believe in him?" and "So, Jesus wrote the Bible, right?" Not that I'm being condescending of Chloe at all. I think her questions are important fundamentals to the faith of a christian. However, it really opened up my eyes to how we try to assume our way out of talking to people about Jesus because we think that they've probably already heard about him and will just think that we're strange for trying to re-tell them. But I really don't think that's the case. I know I've been guilty of this, too! Anyway. Done. Off my soapbox. :)
But I truly can't believe that God is using me in such a direct and awesome way right now! He is showing me that he'll work through me regardless of how I may mess it up, which is such a blessed assurance. He's showing me that even if Chloe decides this isn't her thing, she will still have gained knowledge and maybe someday have her mind changed. The important thing right now is to continue to be her friend, answer her questions, and pursue her as a sister so that she feels loved and important, because that's how God feels about her! Right now I'm just amazed and excited for whatever comes next.
So, if you're reading this, I would love ideas. Any scripture passage you think I should bring up, any idea for how to explain things to her in a way that would make sense, whatever you think. And please be praying for her heart and for my words. Pray that God would just pour through me and that I wouldn't get in the way. Pray that Chloe would understand and be moved to crave more. Pray that the campus changes. And pray that more people come along with whom I can talk to and who need the love and grace of Jesus.
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| This is Chloe :) |
Friday, October 15, 2010
Someday
One day, I will lean against my Daddy's chest and be at home. He'll wrap me in his arms and everything will be wonderful forever. This is my new favorite image when I'm worshipping.
A while back, I remember one of my small group leaders (shoutout to Brittany Davis!) talking on worship and she talked about how it helps her to envision herself in the presence of Jesus. She put it that she is sitting on his lap looking up at him. My image of Jesus and what I envision during those times when I'm closest to him have changed over time. I feel like I come closer and closer to his heart.
Tonight, we sang this song about how he'll wrap His mighty arms around us, and I knew that my image was about to change. Kind of an odd way to think about worship, but I'm finding I have connected with my Father in a much different way when I'm put into a different mindset like this. I love that he is able to speak to my heart in a way that is so terribly unique to me. He wraps me up and shows me what he knows I need to see.
Tonight the speaker at IV was discussing the portion of Jesus' sermon on the mount about lust. When he started talking, I went immediately on the dismissal. I thought that I could just swipe aside this topic because I've got it under control in this area. But that is far from the truth and I know it. I cannot pretend that I've never lusted after guys. It's true. Maybe I've never been into pornography or anything like that, but if I'm honest with myself, I know that I've been guilty of thinking about attractive guys in movies, or just whom I meet, in ways that are not right. And sin is sin. That's it. I'm no better than the worst of sinners.
But Brian (the speaker) also brought up a point about lust that I had never really thought about before. He made the point that we can lust after more than just people. Though the word predominately revolves around others, it can also be used in light of other issues. Lusting for power. Lusting for money. Lusting for our own ideas of what our life will look like according to us. Lusting for the easy life where we don't need to step out of our comfort zone because we aren't willing to pursue Jesus' heart strongly enough.
Brian quoted John Piper, and I love love love the quote he chose. Piper is talking about the issue of lust and sexual impurity and says:
And it's certainly something I could get caught up in. The pursuit of the easy life that the world tells us is good enough. Send your check off to the charity and feel good about yourself as you spend ten times the amount on the vacation you're planning for yourself. Don't let yourself feel the pain of the hunger the people feel who are on the other side of the mailbox because that's too much for you too handle. It's too painful. It's too radical. It's too crazy. It's too undignified for someone who has always had everything they needed at their fingertips. I'm determined to never be in a position where I can simply insulate myself from those who live a life that isn't as easy as mine. It's not fair to me or them and it's nowhere near the life Christ has called all of us to. If we can call ourselves Christians, pursuers of the heart of Christ, we need to look in the mirror and simply evaluate whether or not we are actually doing this.
And I think this weekend will be a wake-up call for me in this area. Tomorrow (I guess later today now- late night blogging!!) we will leave for a weekend retreat in Heber, where we'll get Christian fellowship and speaking and worship and just time to be with Yeshua. Which brings me back to the beginning. This weekend I cannot wait to spend time with my Daddy, being wrapped in his arms, and having him let me lean my head against his chest. Because that's where I belong.
A while back, I remember one of my small group leaders (shoutout to Brittany Davis!) talking on worship and she talked about how it helps her to envision herself in the presence of Jesus. She put it that she is sitting on his lap looking up at him. My image of Jesus and what I envision during those times when I'm closest to him have changed over time. I feel like I come closer and closer to his heart.
Tonight, we sang this song about how he'll wrap His mighty arms around us, and I knew that my image was about to change. Kind of an odd way to think about worship, but I'm finding I have connected with my Father in a much different way when I'm put into a different mindset like this. I love that he is able to speak to my heart in a way that is so terribly unique to me. He wraps me up and shows me what he knows I need to see.
Tonight the speaker at IV was discussing the portion of Jesus' sermon on the mount about lust. When he started talking, I went immediately on the dismissal. I thought that I could just swipe aside this topic because I've got it under control in this area. But that is far from the truth and I know it. I cannot pretend that I've never lusted after guys. It's true. Maybe I've never been into pornography or anything like that, but if I'm honest with myself, I know that I've been guilty of thinking about attractive guys in movies, or just whom I meet, in ways that are not right. And sin is sin. That's it. I'm no better than the worst of sinners.
But Brian (the speaker) also brought up a point about lust that I had never really thought about before. He made the point that we can lust after more than just people. Though the word predominately revolves around others, it can also be used in light of other issues. Lusting for power. Lusting for money. Lusting for our own ideas of what our life will look like according to us. Lusting for the easy life where we don't need to step out of our comfort zone because we aren't willing to pursue Jesus' heart strongly enough.
Brian quoted John Piper, and I love love love the quote he chose. Piper is talking about the issue of lust and sexual impurity and says:
The great tragedy is not mainly masturbation or fornication or acting like a peeping Tom (or curious Cathy) on the Internet. The tragedy is that Satan uses the guilt of these failures to strip you of every radical dream you ever had, or might have, and in its place give you a happy, safe, secure, American life of superficial pleasures until you die in your lakeside rocking chair, wrinkled and useless, leaving a big fat inheritance to your middle-aged children to confirm them in their worldliness.I just love how he puts this and really makes explicit the idea that we were meant for something so much greater. And we lose this when we let ourselves be vulnerable to the temptations of satan. This situation is quickly becoming a fear of mine. I don't want my life to sound anything like this. What he describes is what millions of americans hope for. It's what they dream about and work their whole lives for.
And I think this weekend will be a wake-up call for me in this area. Tomorrow (I guess later today now- late night blogging!!) we will leave for a weekend retreat in Heber, where we'll get Christian fellowship and speaking and worship and just time to be with Yeshua. Which brings me back to the beginning. This weekend I cannot wait to spend time with my Daddy, being wrapped in his arms, and having him let me lean my head against his chest. Because that's where I belong.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Friends
I've been discovering something funny lately: friends rarely seem to happen and mix all together quite the way you thought they would. Sometimes it may feel like you have none, and other times you get so busy with friends that you begin to wonder where the time has gone. I know that time can breed dysfunction, especially without connection and contact, but I'm also discovering that there are instances when time apart is necessary (absence makes the heart grow fonder?). But it's difficult. My high school pastor, Mark, told me that college will be lonely. Which wasn't what I had expected him to say at all. I had thought his words would more resonate with the feelings of fun and adventure and such. But as I've been experiencing it, I'm realizing that he was really right. Sometimes you don't get along with people. Sometimes people rub you the wrong way and sometimes you do the same back to them and they just need some space apart from you.
But then there's this weird thing with expectations on our friends. Expectations are dangerous things. When we try to impose expectations on any situation, much less people we hang out with, we can create disunity because things will never quite go the way we expect them to in our minds. Someone may react differently than we had hoped or sometimes we just don't know what's expected of us by others. But whatever the case, it's important to think about.
Jesus said that there isn't a greater love than this: that one would lay down his life for his friends. This is fascinating to me (as Jesus frequently is) because it makes perfect sense and yet it is nowhere near what we would try to think of as a solution to friend problems. Jesus is showing that to truly love the people we spend most time with, the key element is humility. We have to be humble enough to put away our expectations of them and humble enough to be patient when we don't live up to theirs.
A true friend is not something you find everyday. Though opportunities for friends abound, true friends are something that have to be cultivated and worked on and really can't just be created out of thin air. Time is required, and trust, and, as Jesus says, humility. I love that he understands us so well that he knows this would be the key portion of the issues we would have with friends. I'm thankful every day for the fact that Jesus knows my heart. He knows what I need and what I feel and how to take care of things so that I will be able to live my life in the best possible way with him. I'm thankful for the friends he's given me, old and new. I'm thankful that he loves me enough to take this broken life of mine and put it together in the best possible way.
But then there's this weird thing with expectations on our friends. Expectations are dangerous things. When we try to impose expectations on any situation, much less people we hang out with, we can create disunity because things will never quite go the way we expect them to in our minds. Someone may react differently than we had hoped or sometimes we just don't know what's expected of us by others. But whatever the case, it's important to think about.
Jesus said that there isn't a greater love than this: that one would lay down his life for his friends. This is fascinating to me (as Jesus frequently is) because it makes perfect sense and yet it is nowhere near what we would try to think of as a solution to friend problems. Jesus is showing that to truly love the people we spend most time with, the key element is humility. We have to be humble enough to put away our expectations of them and humble enough to be patient when we don't live up to theirs.
A true friend is not something you find everyday. Though opportunities for friends abound, true friends are something that have to be cultivated and worked on and really can't just be created out of thin air. Time is required, and trust, and, as Jesus says, humility. I love that he understands us so well that he knows this would be the key portion of the issues we would have with friends. I'm thankful every day for the fact that Jesus knows my heart. He knows what I need and what I feel and how to take care of things so that I will be able to live my life in the best possible way with him. I'm thankful for the friends he's given me, old and new. I'm thankful that he loves me enough to take this broken life of mine and put it together in the best possible way.
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| From left to right: Maddy, Allison, Esther and Julianne, Jessica, Cassidy, Ann Marie, Hannah and Kristin |
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
God is working!
So I've been working at this homeless shelter and just did my second day today. But already I've been able to re-realize (?) why it is that I want to be in this business. These people see God work every day. Wal-mart donates food, as does St. Mary's Food bank and I'm sure other donors, too. That's just to keep them running every day. And then, to pay their bills, they depend on the generosity of other people. In the past two days I have been working in the office, which may be a pattern for this semester, and have helped sort through the mail and make the deposit slip for the checks that show up, among other things. Each of these two days, God has sent at least eight checks to the way of the mission, each at least twenty-five dollars.
I've also been put in charge of answering the phone and today three different donors called in to see if the mission would be okay with accepting more food and clothing and money. Two trucks showed up with donations that were never asked for. On Monday, I answered the phone to talk to a man who was running a Kia dealership and had a big sale coming up. He wanted to know if he could put the name of the mission on all of the cars they sell and give a portion back! And that's not even the crazy stuff! They just recently opened a new building (in April) as a women's and children's shelter, which I got to tour today. It's Beautiful!! Each room is named after a person or event from the bible. And each woman who is staying there has her own bed with sheets and drawers for her things. And they met a man who was willing to give of his time and he came and painted a few different murals around the hosue which were gorgeous. And here's the craziest story of all to me!
A few weeks ago, they put on a banquet to thank all of the people who have come alongside them to make the shelter come together and continue running. At the end of the night, they did a small presentation just to let guests know what they were about and how they were doing. Stephanie, the administrating coordinator, shared that they were only six thousand dollars away from owning both of their buildings. After the presentation, a man walked up to her and simply handed her a check for six thousand dollars! God is seriously blessing the hard work of these people!!
Here's the greatest thing to me about this program, though. The people they bring into the shelter are required to begin progress towards getting their own jobs and getting back into society. They currently have sixty men who will soon move into apartments of their own that were once statying and relying fully on the mission. The residents are held accountable for their actions and have work to do to help keep the mission going. Some work in the kitchen and others sort clothes, while some go out and clean up in the neighborhood and give back to the community.
It's funny because three of the people I've been working with who work for the mission full-time were all once residents at eiter hope cottage (the women's shelter) or sunshine rescue (for the men). I hear their stories and how God has impacted their life to give them something they never thought they could have. Debbie was once an alcoholic who was living on the sidewalks in San Francisco, trying to hide what little money she could scrape together from her boyfriend and two friends who were substance abusers, hoping one day she could escape. She finally got to Arizona and called her two sons, who were both living in Flagstaff at the time. She asked if she could come stay with them but they told her that she would have to get help and get herself into a shelter. They paid for her to come up on the bus and she was greeted with the paperwork for two different women's shelters.
Rick had been hitchiking for almost six thousand miles. He happened to be sitting at a Flying J in Williams. when one of the girls who worked at the gas station came out and told him he should head to Flagstaff and that she hoped that God would bless him. He rode with one of the truckers who was there at the time and came to the mission, where he was accepted with open arms in June of 2009. He accepted Christ the day after he got there! As he kept working hard, he got his own apartment and then applied to work at the mission. He became one of the head workers in the mission, where he works with the other men and tries to show them the love of Jesus.
Do you see why I love these people? They were humble enough to tell me their stories on the first day that I met them. They pray without ceasing. They seek to love on other people the way Jesus has loved them. And they live their lives in faith that God will provide, because they know that it's not in their power to do it themselves. I want to do what they do. I want to be like them. I want to be like Jesus.
I've also been put in charge of answering the phone and today three different donors called in to see if the mission would be okay with accepting more food and clothing and money. Two trucks showed up with donations that were never asked for. On Monday, I answered the phone to talk to a man who was running a Kia dealership and had a big sale coming up. He wanted to know if he could put the name of the mission on all of the cars they sell and give a portion back! And that's not even the crazy stuff! They just recently opened a new building (in April) as a women's and children's shelter, which I got to tour today. It's Beautiful!! Each room is named after a person or event from the bible. And each woman who is staying there has her own bed with sheets and drawers for her things. And they met a man who was willing to give of his time and he came and painted a few different murals around the hosue which were gorgeous. And here's the craziest story of all to me!
A few weeks ago, they put on a banquet to thank all of the people who have come alongside them to make the shelter come together and continue running. At the end of the night, they did a small presentation just to let guests know what they were about and how they were doing. Stephanie, the administrating coordinator, shared that they were only six thousand dollars away from owning both of their buildings. After the presentation, a man walked up to her and simply handed her a check for six thousand dollars! God is seriously blessing the hard work of these people!!
Here's the greatest thing to me about this program, though. The people they bring into the shelter are required to begin progress towards getting their own jobs and getting back into society. They currently have sixty men who will soon move into apartments of their own that were once statying and relying fully on the mission. The residents are held accountable for their actions and have work to do to help keep the mission going. Some work in the kitchen and others sort clothes, while some go out and clean up in the neighborhood and give back to the community.
It's funny because three of the people I've been working with who work for the mission full-time were all once residents at eiter hope cottage (the women's shelter) or sunshine rescue (for the men). I hear their stories and how God has impacted their life to give them something they never thought they could have. Debbie was once an alcoholic who was living on the sidewalks in San Francisco, trying to hide what little money she could scrape together from her boyfriend and two friends who were substance abusers, hoping one day she could escape. She finally got to Arizona and called her two sons, who were both living in Flagstaff at the time. She asked if she could come stay with them but they told her that she would have to get help and get herself into a shelter. They paid for her to come up on the bus and she was greeted with the paperwork for two different women's shelters.
Rick had been hitchiking for almost six thousand miles. He happened to be sitting at a Flying J in Williams. when one of the girls who worked at the gas station came out and told him he should head to Flagstaff and that she hoped that God would bless him. He rode with one of the truckers who was there at the time and came to the mission, where he was accepted with open arms in June of 2009. He accepted Christ the day after he got there! As he kept working hard, he got his own apartment and then applied to work at the mission. He became one of the head workers in the mission, where he works with the other men and tries to show them the love of Jesus.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Here goes nothing!
So. Somehow I have begun doing this. I'm feeling really cheesy right now. Especially because the majority of people I know who are doing this are moms. But here goes nothing. Maybe this will turn into some sort of online public journal? I have no idea where it will lead.
So here are the basics. I am taking five college classes. I'm working part-time at Michael's. I'm volunteering at Sunshine Rescue Mission in Flagstaff (men's homeless shelter). I'm crocheting a blanket (yes, I sound like and old woman. But it's fun, okay?) I'm finding the church that fits me best. And most importantly, I'm pursuing the heart of Christ because it matters.
So here are the basics. I am taking five college classes. I'm working part-time at Michael's. I'm volunteering at Sunshine Rescue Mission in Flagstaff (men's homeless shelter). I'm crocheting a blanket (yes, I sound like and old woman. But it's fun, okay?) I'm finding the church that fits me best. And most importantly, I'm pursuing the heart of Christ because it matters.
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