Hey, this post is only about a month after the last one! I'm getting better!
But, lately things haven't been 'going as planned'. I am sort of coming to hate planning things, because they very rarely seem to turn out how I want them to. But NAU has gone worse than I had anticipated. Between issues between my former roommate and I, struggles to build strong friendships during all of this change, craziness with work, and trying to find a solid church community through it all, I have had some pretty big doubts that are rocking the boat on 'my plan'.
So, when we need to find a new plan, where do we go? Friends, of course! Coming home for Spring Break was one of the best decisions for me right now, and it really has been refreshing to be able to spend time back in the fellowship that was (and is) so rich at home. The two best friends and I hung out late on Saturday, and it was one of the best, most vulnerable conversations I've had in a long time. They called me out on the things that I needed to work on, and helped me through the issues I've been facing.
Okay, so I feel like I'm building to some big thing and that I should just say it already. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I really don't know what this change looks like yet. It's a bummer, because I would really like to know for my own planning purposes (there I go again). But I don't. I have no idea right now what this summer or next semester will look like. I had previously decided that I would be spending the summer up in Flagstaff, get an apartment in May, and spend the next year rooming with Jessica. I have been offered so many different opportunities with InterVarsity at NAU. I have been weighing being a small group leader next year and/or serving on service team. I want desperately to do both, which simply cannot be done in conjunction, but really cannot be done at all if I am no longer in Flagstaff. I have been looking forward to taking up leadership for the past few months, and yet it seems that all of those ideas are colliding and falling apart.
I have been considering coming home altogether. I don't know if that means home-home (as in my parents' house) or finding an apartment here. And what school would I go to? ASU? They do have a Non-Profits program, which was originally what I really wanted to be doing. But ASU? God, I really don't know about this one right now.
Struggles. Planning. Gah.
Brennan Manning inspired me today with his words about our patterns as the American church:
"Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace."
He's definitely on to something. I don't know what God's plans are for my future, but right now, I need to be in waiting for what he has in store. As much as I try to plan it out myself, and work for some future that I don't even understand yet, I need to be still. I need to listen to his soft voice and pray that he gives me the strength to obey
