Hey, this post is only about a month after the last one! I'm getting better!
But, lately things haven't been 'going as planned'. I am sort of coming to hate planning things, because they very rarely seem to turn out how I want them to. But NAU has gone worse than I had anticipated. Between issues between my former roommate and I, struggles to build strong friendships during all of this change, craziness with work, and trying to find a solid church community through it all, I have had some pretty big doubts that are rocking the boat on 'my plan'.
So, when we need to find a new plan, where do we go? Friends, of course! Coming home for Spring Break was one of the best decisions for me right now, and it really has been refreshing to be able to spend time back in the fellowship that was (and is) so rich at home. The two best friends and I hung out late on Saturday, and it was one of the best, most vulnerable conversations I've had in a long time. They called me out on the things that I needed to work on, and helped me through the issues I've been facing.
Okay, so I feel like I'm building to some big thing and that I should just say it already. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I really don't know what this change looks like yet. It's a bummer, because I would really like to know for my own planning purposes (there I go again). But I don't. I have no idea right now what this summer or next semester will look like. I had previously decided that I would be spending the summer up in Flagstaff, get an apartment in May, and spend the next year rooming with Jessica. I have been offered so many different opportunities with InterVarsity at NAU. I have been weighing being a small group leader next year and/or serving on service team. I want desperately to do both, which simply cannot be done in conjunction, but really cannot be done at all if I am no longer in Flagstaff. I have been looking forward to taking up leadership for the past few months, and yet it seems that all of those ideas are colliding and falling apart.
I have been considering coming home altogether. I don't know if that means home-home (as in my parents' house) or finding an apartment here. And what school would I go to? ASU? They do have a Non-Profits program, which was originally what I really wanted to be doing. But ASU? God, I really don't know about this one right now.
Struggles. Planning. Gah.
Brennan Manning inspired me today with his words about our patterns as the American church:
"Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace."
He's definitely on to something. I don't know what God's plans are for my future, but right now, I need to be in waiting for what he has in store. As much as I try to plan it out myself, and work for some future that I don't even understand yet, I need to be still. I need to listen to his soft voice and pray that he gives me the strength to obey
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
So, life lately has been a little crazy. It's funny because, while part of me thinks that nothing new has really happened, I know that so much is in the process of changing, too. So, last time I posted, I've since realized, was nearly four months ago. Which really is quite a long time. I'll definitely be working on that. But, it's been a time of so many emotions and so much change. I feel like, because so few people actually know about this blog, that I can be more vulnerable than I might be on Facebook.
Since October, I have had some very interesting periods of life. On a less serious side, I started watching Dexter, realized how horrible I am at baking at high altitudes, and read about one tenth of four different books. Great, what a way to start off this whole new season.
But other things have changed, too. Work is a bit different lately. I feel like I have gotten closer to both my manager and assistant manager, which I think is a good thing. It's been pretty fascinating to talk to each of them lately and just start to get their opinions on where they fall with this whole Jesus business. I think they both know that I've been in love with him for a while, so they feel a little more reserved, but I feel like they're really starting to open up to me and I'm beginning to view work as more of a missions field than I ever had before.
My manager, who is a pronounced lesbian, has actually started being interested in what I'm saying about a lack of judgment and an increase in love that really does need to be happening in the church today, which for sure begins with me. She has started telling me about her past and what it was like to grow up as a homosexual in a Catholic Italian home. She expresses to me the judgment she feels from her whole family, and it has really been a blessing to be able to pray for the things she is going through, and may continue to live in for the rest of her life. But if I can show her, by no means through my power, that those who follow Christ are just as much works in progress as the rest of the world, I feel that I have made my part in her life in some small way.
Suffice it to say that work has been less of a dreaded event for me lately, which is just another blessing. Because I'm working five days per week, I was beginning to be very concerned for how this was going to work out. Before a few weeks ago, I felt like calling in sick to almost every shift I was scheduled for. This Michaels, unlike the last one I worked at, is far less united and far more prone to laziness and backstabbing. It was something I began to witness immediately when I got up here and I wasn't really sure what to do with that. Somehow, some of them seemed united with each other, but it certainly felt like no one was willing to be open to the newer people who were being brought in. But it seems that I have found my niche there, not that I've felt more belonging, but simply that I feel more useful. Its been a blessing that points to my relentless God and how he shows me time after time that his plan is far better than mine could ever be.
On a lower note, remember when I was talking all about the shelter and everything that was happening there and how I felt so blessed to be able to spend time there and see God move in a powerful way and utilize me and let me witness it all at the same time? (sorry, run-on) Well, unfortunately, this has not been a part of my schedule and seems to be something that may not be for this semester. Not definitive yet, however that is the sense I'm getting on it right now. Which makes me really frustrated. God, of course, has a plan way bigger than me (wasn't I just talking about this?), but I feel like this keeps happening to me. It seems to be some sort of cycle where I finally find somewhere that seems like a perfect fit. It includes what I'm passionate about, pushes me beyond my level of comfort but makes me excited to do so, and feels like a glimpse into what I want to to.
And then that's it. I get a glimpse. I get this short period of time where I think that things are finally beginning to be different. When I finally feel like I found where I belong in some sense. And then it no longer works. Either schedule-wise it doesn't fit, or I stop experiencing and thinking that it's as good as I think, or something changes that makes everything off and I no longer am able to experience this thing to the level of where it was before. Which is when this really feels awful. Jesus, show me how to escape from this cycle, because it's more than likely something of my own doing. Show me what to change and give me the strength to make those changes.
Another portion of updates. Ready? Well, my roommate moved out three days ago and God has given me a sense of peace about it all. I have no idea why this is because it feels like I should be bothered by the tension and lack of relationship it has really caused. But I'm somehow getting past that. I feel like a weight of people pleasing has been lifted from me that has been sitting for about five months now. I would like to take a large portion of the responsibility for everything that happened because I was in the wrong in the ways I handled myself. I wasn't around much at all and that put a serious strain on our relationship, which did eventually drive this move. What scares me about this peace, though, is that I don't want to fall into complacency and thinking that it's acceptable to brush this relationship off as something that happened in the past and not something I have to deal with anymore. I think I may be nearing the point of leaving the ball in her court in terms of how much time we spend together, but I know that I need to keep my heart in check of what my motivations are and my own level of bitterness towards her. I felt that some of the things she posted were hurtful and the way certain situations were handled were hurtful, but even if she never knows it, I have to be sure to forgive her in my heart so as to avoid creating a monster of myself.
Stemming from that, some of my other relationships have been strained (or maybe only in my mind have been strained) because of the split and clash of my roommate and I. I really feel sometimes that our group of friends is split into those who side with her and those who side with me. And because of that, I begin to make this into some sort of competition. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells as I try to navigate whose approval I have, and who I have yet to win over. It really isn't a healthy way to look at any of this, but it is what has been plaguing me lately.
Because of all of this drama and difficulties with friends and feeling lonely, I've had a couple pretty rough patches this winter. I suppose you could call it mild depression plus a splash of disbelief, and hold the hope. I don't really know why this was such a hard time for me, but it really became an issue. I didn't know who to talk to or why I was experiencing this. In my mind, I should be stronger than to have had the thoughts I was having and I beat myself up more, which surely didn't help. I learned a lot about myself and my own issues and, to be honest, I am still going through this a little bit. So be praying for that for me.
And then there's the future. I am trying so hard to understand what it is that He wants me to do. I'm trying to understand what the plan is for missions and me. I feel like lately I've gotten 'no' as my answer every time I hear of some missions trip that seems like such a neat opportunity. I don't know why he's saying no because it would be a good thing and something that could be really beneficial. But, nonetheless, His answer persists. So, it's looking like I will be in Flagstaff for the summer. That isn't for sure yet, but it seems like that is what is working out best. I'm looking at some apartments that will work for my needs and I'm hoping to keep the lease through until next May. But we'll see what happens there. There's just so much in terms of what to do and how to go about making these decisions that all seem to be flying at me.
My Daddy said something to me a little while ago that really made a lot of sense: when you don't know what God wants, you have to take a step in some direction and just pray, God, I want to do your will. But I don't know what that is. So, I'm going to take a step this way and if it's wrong, make it very clear. Make it so that I am very aware that this isn't the path I should be taking. I'm so thankful for his insight. My parents have been so helpful in giving me the support I need lately. I've made so many mistakes and haven't trusted them like I should, and I'm very regretful of that. I know that, if anyone, they have my back and want to see me do well. They, if anyone, are the ones who will be there for me when every other person is gone. My Daddy reminded me of something he used to say to me all the time when I was little. He said "My number one job is to take care of you." I couldn't help but cry as he said those words that I've heard from him a thousand times.
My Daddy is the person I've known the longest. He's the one who has carried me through ups and downs and we're going to go through so much together in the future. He knows me so well, and understands the way I think, which is a huge blessing. I'm hopeful that my way of thinking towards my parents will change for the better, so that I may utilize their insight and learn from their mistakes.
All of this is just code for life. There are ups and downs. Ins and outs. And overall, we come out better people. Life feels hard sometimes, and gets a little easier during others. Just waiting to see what's coming up!
Since October, I have had some very interesting periods of life. On a less serious side, I started watching Dexter, realized how horrible I am at baking at high altitudes, and read about one tenth of four different books. Great, what a way to start off this whole new season.
But other things have changed, too. Work is a bit different lately. I feel like I have gotten closer to both my manager and assistant manager, which I think is a good thing. It's been pretty fascinating to talk to each of them lately and just start to get their opinions on where they fall with this whole Jesus business. I think they both know that I've been in love with him for a while, so they feel a little more reserved, but I feel like they're really starting to open up to me and I'm beginning to view work as more of a missions field than I ever had before.
My manager, who is a pronounced lesbian, has actually started being interested in what I'm saying about a lack of judgment and an increase in love that really does need to be happening in the church today, which for sure begins with me. She has started telling me about her past and what it was like to grow up as a homosexual in a Catholic Italian home. She expresses to me the judgment she feels from her whole family, and it has really been a blessing to be able to pray for the things she is going through, and may continue to live in for the rest of her life. But if I can show her, by no means through my power, that those who follow Christ are just as much works in progress as the rest of the world, I feel that I have made my part in her life in some small way.
Suffice it to say that work has been less of a dreaded event for me lately, which is just another blessing. Because I'm working five days per week, I was beginning to be very concerned for how this was going to work out. Before a few weeks ago, I felt like calling in sick to almost every shift I was scheduled for. This Michaels, unlike the last one I worked at, is far less united and far more prone to laziness and backstabbing. It was something I began to witness immediately when I got up here and I wasn't really sure what to do with that. Somehow, some of them seemed united with each other, but it certainly felt like no one was willing to be open to the newer people who were being brought in. But it seems that I have found my niche there, not that I've felt more belonging, but simply that I feel more useful. Its been a blessing that points to my relentless God and how he shows me time after time that his plan is far better than mine could ever be.
On a lower note, remember when I was talking all about the shelter and everything that was happening there and how I felt so blessed to be able to spend time there and see God move in a powerful way and utilize me and let me witness it all at the same time? (sorry, run-on) Well, unfortunately, this has not been a part of my schedule and seems to be something that may not be for this semester. Not definitive yet, however that is the sense I'm getting on it right now. Which makes me really frustrated. God, of course, has a plan way bigger than me (wasn't I just talking about this?), but I feel like this keeps happening to me. It seems to be some sort of cycle where I finally find somewhere that seems like a perfect fit. It includes what I'm passionate about, pushes me beyond my level of comfort but makes me excited to do so, and feels like a glimpse into what I want to to.
And then that's it. I get a glimpse. I get this short period of time where I think that things are finally beginning to be different. When I finally feel like I found where I belong in some sense. And then it no longer works. Either schedule-wise it doesn't fit, or I stop experiencing and thinking that it's as good as I think, or something changes that makes everything off and I no longer am able to experience this thing to the level of where it was before. Which is when this really feels awful. Jesus, show me how to escape from this cycle, because it's more than likely something of my own doing. Show me what to change and give me the strength to make those changes.
Another portion of updates. Ready? Well, my roommate moved out three days ago and God has given me a sense of peace about it all. I have no idea why this is because it feels like I should be bothered by the tension and lack of relationship it has really caused. But I'm somehow getting past that. I feel like a weight of people pleasing has been lifted from me that has been sitting for about five months now. I would like to take a large portion of the responsibility for everything that happened because I was in the wrong in the ways I handled myself. I wasn't around much at all and that put a serious strain on our relationship, which did eventually drive this move. What scares me about this peace, though, is that I don't want to fall into complacency and thinking that it's acceptable to brush this relationship off as something that happened in the past and not something I have to deal with anymore. I think I may be nearing the point of leaving the ball in her court in terms of how much time we spend together, but I know that I need to keep my heart in check of what my motivations are and my own level of bitterness towards her. I felt that some of the things she posted were hurtful and the way certain situations were handled were hurtful, but even if she never knows it, I have to be sure to forgive her in my heart so as to avoid creating a monster of myself.
Stemming from that, some of my other relationships have been strained (or maybe only in my mind have been strained) because of the split and clash of my roommate and I. I really feel sometimes that our group of friends is split into those who side with her and those who side with me. And because of that, I begin to make this into some sort of competition. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells as I try to navigate whose approval I have, and who I have yet to win over. It really isn't a healthy way to look at any of this, but it is what has been plaguing me lately.
Because of all of this drama and difficulties with friends and feeling lonely, I've had a couple pretty rough patches this winter. I suppose you could call it mild depression plus a splash of disbelief, and hold the hope. I don't really know why this was such a hard time for me, but it really became an issue. I didn't know who to talk to or why I was experiencing this. In my mind, I should be stronger than to have had the thoughts I was having and I beat myself up more, which surely didn't help. I learned a lot about myself and my own issues and, to be honest, I am still going through this a little bit. So be praying for that for me.
And then there's the future. I am trying so hard to understand what it is that He wants me to do. I'm trying to understand what the plan is for missions and me. I feel like lately I've gotten 'no' as my answer every time I hear of some missions trip that seems like such a neat opportunity. I don't know why he's saying no because it would be a good thing and something that could be really beneficial. But, nonetheless, His answer persists. So, it's looking like I will be in Flagstaff for the summer. That isn't for sure yet, but it seems like that is what is working out best. I'm looking at some apartments that will work for my needs and I'm hoping to keep the lease through until next May. But we'll see what happens there. There's just so much in terms of what to do and how to go about making these decisions that all seem to be flying at me.
My Daddy said something to me a little while ago that really made a lot of sense: when you don't know what God wants, you have to take a step in some direction and just pray, God, I want to do your will. But I don't know what that is. So, I'm going to take a step this way and if it's wrong, make it very clear. Make it so that I am very aware that this isn't the path I should be taking. I'm so thankful for his insight. My parents have been so helpful in giving me the support I need lately. I've made so many mistakes and haven't trusted them like I should, and I'm very regretful of that. I know that, if anyone, they have my back and want to see me do well. They, if anyone, are the ones who will be there for me when every other person is gone. My Daddy reminded me of something he used to say to me all the time when I was little. He said "My number one job is to take care of you." I couldn't help but cry as he said those words that I've heard from him a thousand times.
My Daddy is the person I've known the longest. He's the one who has carried me through ups and downs and we're going to go through so much together in the future. He knows me so well, and understands the way I think, which is a huge blessing. I'm hopeful that my way of thinking towards my parents will change for the better, so that I may utilize their insight and learn from their mistakes.
All of this is just code for life. There are ups and downs. Ins and outs. And overall, we come out better people. Life feels hard sometimes, and gets a little easier during others. Just waiting to see what's coming up!
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